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Hitchhikers Guide

Hell

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No matter how many people tell you to go to Hell, don't. At no place in the space time continuum is it a pleasant place: It was lousy since it opened and there are no plans for improvement.

The actual description of the place varies from religion to religion and planet to planet, and is based mostly on hearsay. The one thing they agree uniformly is that it's set up to make you unhappy and is thus a place to avoid.

If you still feel compelled by the amazing number of people who tell you to go there, remember that people are not always concerned with what's in your best interest. Also, analyze your behavior for elements which could be misconstrued as aggravating.

A Tourist's Guide to Hell Edit

The Intergalactic Tourist Board recently listed the state of Hell as "A third class accommodation area". "It is poor, smelly, and much too hot," it continued. But can this possibly be true?

The state is pretty large, surrounded by rocks and is a sort-of vaguely round shape. The current population is into the billion level and still rising. As the population grows the space doesn't expand, and so the population density gradually increases. Rather like rush hour in London.

Hell has no major exports except for a degree of heat that it inadvertently expels. There is nothing to buy there, housing is minimal and most people live "outside". There is little in the way of entertainment and visitors are advised to bring their own pub, club or cinema.

It is categorically not a place of education. When you arrive here you cannot expect to learn anything of value, and in this respect, it is very similar to the average secondary school.

The spoken language varies and does so on a regular basis. People usually speak in screams and yells and you will occasionally feel compelled to join in. It will seem perfectly natural.

There is much crime in Hell, mainly due to the level of tourism recently. Since there is nothing to steal from the residents, it has been noted that crime will fall to a zero level during the off-peak season. It would be advisable to go at this time, except for the fact that if everyone takes that advice it will then become a high-crime season, and your advantage will be lost.

As far as anyone can tell Hell has been there forever. There hasn't really been any big effort to catalogue its history. Others who've made a half-hearted attempt have concluded that to see what it used to look like, just see what it looks like now; it never changes.

To get to Hell, go to your local church and ask for a contact number/address for the opposition. Alternatively, consult your local phone directory, or even the Yellow Pages and look for "Satan". Bookings can be made right up to the time of departure and it is rarely necessary to find a cancellation, indeed it is often impossible. Do not bother to request superior accommodation as it does not exist.

Upon arrival you might wish you had brought some summer ware, sunglasses, etc. Also, it is advisable to take as much skin protection cream as possible and apply most of it before you go.

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