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Death is a common condition commonly occurring after life. It is typically looked on as a "bad" thing, except in the rare cultures along the northern rim of the eastern arch of the southernmost spiral of the galaxy, where they look up death as a good thing. These cultures look upon death as a good thing, because, unlike most other lifeforms, they lack the "block-out" sector of the brain. The "block-out" sector of the brain protects the consciousness from realizing that life is a cruel meaningless existence in which one is subjected to torture after torture and then, finally, after years and years of pure hell, is finally granted rest. There is an uncommonly high suicide rate in the rare cultures along the northern rim of the eastern arch of the southernmost spiral of the galaxy.

The AfterlifeEdit

There are many ideas as to what lies in the great hereafter. Some say it is a heavenly paradise, cleverly named "Heaven." Others say it is a fiery inferno in which our souls burn in agony, with the pain increasing from moment to moment ... this hell has cleverly been named "Hell." It seems like every religion has a different idea about what lies beyond death.

Much research has been done looking into the existence of an afterlife. Unfortunately, not much information can be ascertained without actually dying. Since many of today's sissy, nampy-pampy wimp scientists seem unwilling to do this, death and the afterlife may forever be an eternal mystery.

Buddhism and HinduismEdit

Buddhists and Hindus suppose that after death you get reincarnated; you come back on this same earth as, for instance, Ghandi, or an extremely rare species of beetle, depending on how well you lead your present life. After travelling through many lives and achieving a perfect state of being, you go to Nirvana. Here you are granted eternal rest from telemarketers (although I do remember a loud rock band was involved somehow, but I forgot the details).

CatholicismEdit

Catholics suppose you either go to a boring place and sing songs accompanied by a harp, or you go to an exciting and hot place, this inversely dependant on how you lead your present life.

ScientologyEdit

Scientologists suggest that your soul goes to Mars (the area for souls between lives) to be subjected to unspeakable tortures during which you are made to "forget" your previous life. Afterwards you go back to Earth and decide which body to inhabit next. This decision is affected a bit by the fact that everyone seems to be stark raving mad. After some centuries/ millennia of these ill-inspired decisions, Earth will resemble a particularly badly run mental institution. The effects are already widely noticeable.

Norse mythologyEdit

The Ancient Norse folk thought Odin collected mortals who had died during battle, to add to his famous collection in Valhalla. All the remaining dead, the wimps, went to Helheim (or Nifflheim). Odin's collection of warriors were supposed to fight the ultimate battle at the end of time, Ragnarok. It is unclear what they thought to win at the end of time. It supposedly has something to do with the circularity of time, like the hand of a watch going round and round. It goes round and round and round, and always returns to the same numbers, like clockwork. Peacefully the hand goes round and round; look at it going .... You feel relaxed now, and as the hand goes round, with each passing you will relax some more. Take it easy, relax, relaaax. Now, after some three minutes you will awaken and never remember that you have read this paragraph. You will think favourably of the author of this article, specifically in a monetary sense. Now relax, and keep watching the hands of the clock ....

IslamEdit

Muslims suppose people die and rest in their grave until judgment day. The non-believers and believers both have to cross a bridge over an abyss, in which Hell lies, to the other side, Heaven. The believers' bridge is normal, the non-believers' bridge is as thin as a hair (so start practising tight-rope walking, guys!) Once plunged into the eternal fires, you have to drink boiling water (tea) and eat fruit from the Zakkoen tree. This looks like the head of Satan and, once in the stomach, feels like molten metal (peppers?). Heaven, on the other hand, is a beautiful garden. The women who arrive in heaven are rejuvenated and become ecstatic at the thought that they are allowed to keep their husband company for all eternity. The men, on the other hand, become as potent as eighty men and are met by one hundred heavy breasted women a day, who regain their virginity every time they've had sex. Let's say, a somewhat different kind of ecstasy.

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